The Most Effective Parenting Advice I can Offer
As a new mom I wanted to know the ‘tricks of the trade’ so today I am sharing the most effective parenting advice I can offer. I’ve been a mom for over 19 years and have 7 children, and I’ve learned some important lessons along the way. In that time, I’ve made a ton of mistakes, and had to ask my kids’ forgiveness countless times. I bought into many parenting lies that had nearly disastrous consequences. The advice that I’m going to share with you today is the advice that I would go back and tell my 22 year old self. Understanding this vital aspect of motherhood might have saved me and my family a lot of heartache. These two lessons have transformed who I am as a mom and the entire culture of my home.
My Top 2 Pieces of Parenting Advice
- Lesson #1: Parent from love, not fear.
- Lesson #2: Be who you are made to be.
Be a Human Being, Not a Human Doing
For most of my motherhood I believed a common parenting myth that children are ‘plug and play.’ If I did ‘x’ then I was ensuring a certain outcome in my children. I focused my energy on ‘doing’ my way through motherhood by doing ‘all the right things.’ This meant I monitored their screens and screen time. I homeschooled in order to guide their learning. Our home was filled with beautiful literature. We did tea time. Homeschooling involved theme weeks complete with costumes. I read books and implemented things I thought would help my kids toward holiness. Our family friends were carefully chosen. I was trying so hard to curate a beautiful life but I left out one key component: me.
My Secret Pain
In the midst of all of this doing, I was suffering from a deep, dark secret pain. As I went about my day, I had a constant loop that played through my thoughts. It went like this, on repeat, day after day.
“You’re a terrible mother.” “You’re just an angry person.” “Everything that is wrong in your family is your fault.” “You don’t deserve your family.” “You don’t deserve nice things.” “Why do you need a break when all the ‘good’ mothers can continue on without one?” “You’re an embarrassment for dropping out of college.” “You’re so fat.” “You’re so ugly.” “Your mother was right about you, you’re the cause of all the bad things that happen.” “You’re a bad friend.” “No one wants to be around you.” “Everyone thinks you’re stupid.” “You’re going to mess up your kids.” “Be the complete opposite of who you are if you want to make sure they turn out okay.” “YOU are God’s first mistake.” “Everything about you is wrong.” “Why don’t you exercise more, you lazy pig?” “Don’t eat that, you’re already so fat.”
I know how heretical I sounded, especially the part about being God’s first mistake. However, it was something that had been engrained in me as a little child. I was told that I was the cause of everything that was wrong in our family growing up. It was a message I internalized and it lived with me for most of my life.
The thing about that negative loop is that our kids hear it too. They don’t hear it consciously. Instead they hear it through how we carry ourselves. They can pick up on our struggles. However, because they have a child’s ability to process information, they make it about themselves. When children sense that mom hates herself, they hear, “Mom hates me.” If they can feel that Mom isn’t okay being who she is, they hear, “It’s not okay to be who I am.” They are so intertwined with us that they have little capacity for separating our thoughts about ourselves from our thoughts about them.
Love and Fear Cannot Coexist
Fear ruled my life. I was afraid of my failures and shortcomings. What if I figured out who I was and didn’t like that person? I was afraid of ruining my kids. I was afraid that the mistakes they make in life could have eternal consequences. Fear was my driving motive, even as I was ‘doing all the right things.’
The Bible tells us in 1 John 4:18 that perfect love drives out fear. When we are driven by fear, we have little room for love. Navigating from fear means that we’re unable to navigate from a place of love.
The Bible tells us in 1 John 4:18 that perfect love drives out fear. Being driven by fear means we have little room for love. Navigating from fear means that we’re unable to navigate from a place of love.
My kids picked up on my fears and insecurities and it caused them pain.
The only way forward, the only way to become the mom I wanted to be, was to go into that dark valley inside myself.
Through the help of priests, therapists, my life coach, my husband and close friends, I began to travel into the ‘Mordor’ that existed inside of myself. Traveling to those dark places meant that I could allow God to purge them from my heart and begin to heal me. From there I started to fully embrace who I am meant to be. The more that I do that work, the happier and healthier my home gets.
Be a Refuge for Your Children in their Storms
It’s not possible to ensure that our children will remain in the faith, remain upstanding citizens, make good choices or do the things we hope they’ll do. What we can do is become a safe refuge for our children in their storms. By feeling comfortable in my own being and learning how to trust in the grace of God, I have less fear around my kids’ choices. As I parent from love, not fear, I become a safe place for my children to go when they’re struggling.
Granted, worry and fear still sneak in and will for the rest of my life. Instead of being my default those feelings are now intruders. I can see when they’re sneaking in and I have better tools for dealing with it. One of the most effective tools has been working with my life coach. Working with a life coach was the key in figuring out who God meant me to be. By exploring my own thoughts, dreams, fears, goals, I could sort through the clutter in my brain and get crystal clear about who and what God made me to be. If you would like to add coaching to your own toolkit, then schedule a consultation with me by clicking here.
Today I shared my two most effective pieces of parenting advice. What would you add to this list? What have you learned on your parenting journey?
If you are a military member or dependent and are interested in therapy then you have access to free virtual therapy through Telemynd. These is the resource I used and I appreciated the ease and availability of it.
