Am I the only one who struggles in my faith?
Do you ever ask yourself, “Am I the only one who struggles in my faith?”
I just got back from Holy Family Fest, otherwise known as Catholic Family Land, and I want to share my experience because I believe it will help you answer this question. First I will tell you how I was feeling going into this camp. Then I’ll share how an embarrassing moment led me to see that I wasn’t alone in my struggles. Lastly, I tie it back around to answering this question, “Am I alone in struggling with my faith” and sprinkle some encouragement on top.
I was NOT a happy camper
I hate to admit that I went to camp with a bad attitude. We signed up last October and apparently ‘October Amanda’ was a lot more optimistic and adventerous than ‘July Amanda.’ The closer the date loomed the more dread I felt. We’ve been to a similar Catholic Family camp and it didn’t fit my personality. Without time alone to recharge, I knew I’d be exhausted. I worried about my kids and what would happen to their faith if they had a bad experience or were bullied by other kids. Even though I spent a lot of time getting coached around my concerns I was still struggling. I prayed a lot and the dread remained. Sam and I even considered canceling the trip but several of our kids were excited to leave, reminding us each day that there were only X number of days left.
Who stays mad during Eucharistic Adoration?!
I was happy to be reunited with friends from our last two duty stations. We were surrounded by people we knew from New York, where we converted to Catholicism, and Ohio. Our Ohio friends were able to get a cabin right next to us and our New York friends were only a few sites away. It felt like a giant family reunion. At the same time, we were so busy with all of the activities that I found myself missing my friends. I was so close to them in proximity but still felt awkward and lonely, trying to figure out how to manage my family’s wants and needs while fitting in some time to catch up and connect with friends I loved.
Sam and I were already exhausted after just one night. We got in an argument in the short drive to attend the Eucharistic Procession. I stayed angry throughout the whole service and procession. The procession was stunningly beautiful and reverent, but I was hurt and angry, tired and frustrated and entirely outside my comfort zone being at that camp. I looked at Jesus in the Eucharist as He passed by me and thought, “I’m grateful that You’re strong enough to handle my hurt and anger because I’m going to spend this time processing these awful feelings. Stay with me Jesus, because I’m struggling and I don’t want to be here at Catholic Family Camp. I just want to go home and I’m kind of mad at You for bringing me here.” I felt like a sham, like I was a bad Catholic. Sam and I apologized to each other on the drive home but my attitude stayed pretty negative the next couple of days. I was looking forward to the last day and getting back home.
My Embarrassing Moment that Changed Everything
The moment that changed my camp experience was the moment that I felt like I fumbled the most. It was the middle of the week and the kids were at their respective activities while the adults listened to a speaker. He started out by stating that there was a war on families and I readied myself for another rant about how the ‘world out there’ was trying to hurt my marriage. He didn’t follow the typical script though. Instead, he began to share about the trials his family went through since the last time he spoke at a Holy Family Fest four years prior. That was when I realized that he was in the same club as my family, even though his circumstances were different.
The club that no one wants to be in
My family has gone through some major trials in the past decade or more. We’re on the other side of a lot of them, praise God, but once you’re in this club you’re always a part of it. You’ll know if you’re in ‘the club.‘ It’s when you or your family has gone through something so difficult and devastating that you’re not sure you’ll come back from it. You know there’s a light somewhere, but when you’re in the struggle you can’t seem to find it. It’s traumatic and the effects are long lasting. Usually it’s a tangled pile of several different serious trials. No one ever expects to join this club and most of us wonder if we’re the only members. We look around at all of the nicely dressed people at Mass and assume that they’ve never been through hell like we have, that we’re the only ones who’ve experienced this kind of suffering.
From confident to trembling
As the speaker was sharing his family’s story, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at me. I knew I needed to get to the microphone and share that we’d struggled too, and that we were here to listen if anyone needed to talk. I asked Sam if he’d go up with me during the Q&A portion. He wrestled with it at first. He’s not one to share publicly about our struggles (who is?!), but he agreed. I had a little speech all prepared, along with a question to ask the speaker. I felt pretty confident that I knew exactly what I was going to say.
Right before the question and answer session, the speaker played a scene from “We Were Soldiers” and I came undone. That movie was released right after Sam joined Army ROTC and I watched it in the theater while he was away at summer training. The scene was one that always makes me cry and the tears were still there as I gathered up my courage and led Sam to the front.
By the time I got up to the microphone I’d lost my nerve and I was shaking. I regretted getting out of my seat and didn’t want to follow through with what I believed God was telling me to do. When I started speaking I bumbled through my little speech and barely got it out. I shared our campsite number and told everyone that I was usually in the playground in case anyone else was struggling and wanted to talk to someone who understood. Then I said out loud that I was shaking, barely formed my question, and we returned to our seats. I was shaking so much that the speaker didn’t hear my question, and I added that to the embarrassment I was feeling. I wanted to run to our van and drive home. I’d just admitted to hundreds of fellow Catholics, in person, that we’ve faced terrible hardships. I felt like I’d humiliated our family.
My friend wouldn’t let me hide
As soon as the talk was over a few people came up to me and thanked me for sharing. They said that they didn’t feel so alone. When I stopped in the bathroom my friend grabbed me and hugged me. She told me how proud she was of me for sharing.
I let her know that I was feeling all kinds of embarrassed. I was ready to get in our van and go home and the Holy Spirit must have sent her to encourage me. She told me that I needed to follow through with my promise to show up. She said not to hide in my cabin but to go out and talk to people. Her words gave me the courage I needed to make myself available.
I said a silent prayer and went outside to find my kids.
People started opening up
When I got outside, more people started coming, and kept coming. People approached me throughout the rest of the week to thank me for opening up and to share their pain with me.
Most said that they didn’t feel like they belonged at a Catholic Family Camp because of the things they were going through or had gone through. They almost all felt the same shame and embarrassment that I’d felt in our own struggles, even if the struggles were different.
We shared a common thread of wondering if we were lovable, wondering what was wrong with us, wondering if we were alone or if we belonged in Catholic circles.
I realized that we all struggled with the lie that we were alone in our pain.
The takeaway from this experience
Hear me.
You are lovable, you belong, you have a purpose and you are not alone.
There were many, many years that I didn’t believe those statements about myself. I finally reached out for help so I could believe that those statements applied to me too. You wouldn’t have guessed it to look at me or talk to me several years ago. I didn’t want to be vulnerable with my pain and I kept people at arms length. I could tell people about things I’d experienced while keeping a brick wall around my heart. Fear kept people out so I wouldn’t risk getting hurt. I didn’t want people to know what a mess I was.
I struggled to build deeply personal and intimate friendships because I didn’t want people to know what a mess I was.
We are all in this mess of life and it’s hard for all of us. Our struggles look different, but we’re all suffering in our own ways. We are all wounded and bleeding internally from pain caused by ourselves and others.
Being a human is hard. We are all sitting in our suffering, silently begging someone to come and sit with us in our pain. We are all wondering when a friend will come along like Simon and help us carry our cross.
You are made for community
God, in His nature, is Community and He made us in His image for community. He didn’t make us to carry our crosses alone. We don’t need to suffer in isolation.
It’s scary though, isn’t it? We don’t want people to hurt us. It’s tempting to give up on building intimate friendships. Even Jesus’s friends hurt and abandoned Him. How can we handle the potential for rejection or betrayal?
Don’t give up.
Being vulnerable is a risk worth taking
The worst thing we can do is live in isolation. Life is about taking certain risks and vulnerability is the scariest one. Soldiers can go into battle with another person but struggle to tell that same person that they feel unlovable. Parents would die for their children but are too afraid to tell their friend that they feel like they’re failing. An executive sacrifices for their company but never shares that they feel purposeless. The ‘life of the party’ might wonder silently if they belong anywhere.
It’s worth the risk to let people in.
I am praying for you friend. You’re about the set the world on fire but first you have to risk being known.
If you are in a place of needing deep healing then reach out to someone for help. Contact a therapist, if you can, so that you can begin to receive the healing you need. There is nothing wrong with needing professional help. We go to a professional when we need healing in our body. Seeking a professional for healing in your heart and mind is no different. As a life coach, I’m not professionally equipped to enter into the healing space with you. However, I can pray with and for you. Please reach out to me if you want someone to pray for you and I will. I will help you find a professional counselor or therapist who can walk the healing journey with you.
If you are interested in life-coaching then make sure to check out my summer special which ends on the last day of August. During the summer I am offering FIVE 50 minute weekly coaching sessions for a TOTAL of $150. This is an unbelievable deal and not one to miss. This is a great opportunity to test out coaching before making a large financial commitment. My prices will go back up at the beginning of September so make sure to sign up before then. You can sign up for a free consultation through this link.
Be not afraid. . .
– St. John Paul the great
