My Life Changing Penance
I was sobbing in the confessional the day my life changed. Between sobs I confessed that I both loved and resented motherhood. I didn’t have anything left to give my kids. My husband was working long hours and I was lonely. We were homeschooling but didn’t have a strong homeschool community to lean on. I rarely made time for friends.
I was broken and empty.
When I finally calmed down, Father asked me the last time I’d taken a break.
A break? That was impossible. I shouldn’t need a break. I should be with my kids all the time. I should be able to manage everything. I shouldn’t need time alone.
I was ‘should-ing’ all over myself.
What did a break have to do with it? I just needed to be more selfless, more holy, more loving, more more more
Jesus retreated to teach us how.
Father began teaching me things I knew but never internalized. He took me into the mountains with Jesus, where Jesus intentionally took time away to be alone and pray. He showed me that Jesus was teaching us how to rest and retreat.
He asked me if I was better at handling the demands of life than Jesus.
I lowered my eyes and shook my head, no.
Father reminded me that Jesus was only in ministry for three years, yet retreat was a necessary part of His time in ministry. By modern standards He was failing. He could have reached more people, healed more people, ministered to more people if He’d focused on powering through and using every second to keep up with the grind.
Instead, Jesus retreated.
A change come over me as Father spoke. My need for rest wasn’t a sign of failure. It was a sign of my humanity. My time with my kids might be short, but I can’t serve them from a state of exhaustion.
That’s when he offered me a life-changing penance. He said my penance was to go away, by myself, for two nights. He asked if I needed a deadline make my plan and I vigorously nodded. My plan had to be in place within two weeks.
He said my penance was to go away, by myself, for two nights.
I came home and told my husband what happened. We agreed on a weekend and I started making arrangements. I’ll share about my retreat in another post, but for now I want to give you the encouragement that Father gave me. I won’t give you a penance, but I will give you the permission you might be looking for to both need and receive time to yourself. Needing rest doesn’t mean you’re broken, it means you’re human.
If you need help making a plan for your retreat, leave a comment below or reach out to me at coach@amandaheider.com and I will give you some ideas and tips.
It is time to rest. Be like Jesus and go on retreat.
